My childhood was a good one. My family was caring and supportive (except my brother, he was an ass until he was 17). I had some great friends, we played all sorts of active games. We ran around, swam, rode bikes, walked, you name it we did it. But I was never really "fit."
School brought on a lot of teasing for me. I so badly wanted to fit in and have friends but I just couldn't seem to grasp at either one. I was bullied when I was younger, so I guess that could have been the root of all of my self hatred. So, I enjoyed food! I used to hide how much I ate; if mom and dad were out I would shove my face with all sorts of snacks, trying to satisfy this craving. A craving I never really could figure out. I didn't know what I wanted, or why I would crave food all of the time, but I never felt satisfied or full until I was in pain from eating too much.
Emotional eater. That was me. When I felt alone, scared, sad, happy, bored I would celebrate/take the pain away with food. It was always there for me, never judged me. It was just delicious.
I still am an emotional eater, but generally (on a students budget) I don't have the money to spend on delicious things. I am slowly learning from my mistakes. I am learning how my body reacts to the foods I eat/what makes it full/what leaves me satisfied and not bloated.
This is all a learning process. And its been one hell of a process.
It's been hard doing this on my own. I generally need someone there, not necessarily holding my hand, but pushing me to reach my goal. My boyfriend is supportive in spurts. He and I will go gung ho for 3-4 weeks, exercising, eating right, getting lots of sleep. Then one day, after a long day at work, we are both tired and lazy and say..."how about pizza" then the day turns into a week and the week into...I lost count...I think the shit diet went on for 6-7 weeks. And this whole time, I KNOW I don't feel well. and I KNOW that I am
so going to regret this, but its what I know. I know how to eat bad. I know how to feel depressed. I KNOW how to give up, because giving up is
easy.
WHY THE F**K do I do this to myself? Why do I revert to old habits? I'm scared. I don't know why, and its really silly, but
I am scared. I have been this person for so long that I don't know who this other person is. I don't want to be like the f**king bitches I have known, who shove their self righteous, self obsessed, skinny, "I don't eat that" fucking bullshit in peoples faces. I don't want to think for one second "oh shes just lazy" about someone. I know how those words hurt. AND THEY F**KING HURT. I say to myself often haha.
I want to be proud of who I am. I want to feel sexy. I want my damn sex drive back for shit sake.
Today is the day I buck up. Today is the day I say GOODBYE to the old me. TODAY is the day that I fucking get my ass in gear and work towards it instead of just talking about it.
